Going to sleep I place a
fingertip to my eyelid.
I lightly graze the delicate
layer of skin
trying to stop the vibration
that keeps me awake.
I imagine everything that’s touched my eyes;
the gel numbing drops and pressure meters,
dry q-tips and latex gloves-
Always under a blinding light,
which feels like a tasteless attempt to foreshadow the future.
I don’t like the way a doctor will help you
to help himself.
The fast illegible writing on a clipboard
And mumbled medical terms
they expect you to know
Because you should know.
The fast turning of his head
and notions of command to someone else,
Scribbling a diagnosis
makes no difference anyway,
I still can’t see.
Sometimes it feels like
advising precautions is some
sick game of maybes and perhapses
To keep you apprehensive
and coming back.
There is something permanent about touch.
It’s physically temporary but
everlasting in feeling.
You can’t just shake a touch,
And sometimes you don’t want to.
Like the piece of metal stuck in my eye,
Once a threat but now a companion,
I don’t know how it got there
But it shall remain.
I think of what I’ve seen and what I may never see again.
And when my eyes
tense with the squeeze of my heart,
I hope that my breathing
can calm the thumping,
Behind my lids that beat in fear.
But I remind myself that what I see today
will be different tomorrow,
and without different there is guarantee,
and guarantee is the death of me.
I loved this when you read it last night, but I love it even more reading it this morning. I especially like the line "Always under a blinding light, which feels like a tasteless attempt to foreshadow the future" and the next part about how doctors help themselves, which is extremely relatable. Beautiful piece. One thing I was thinking is if this piece stands alone, I could see a part in it acknowledging and perhaps naming the rare disease. I think it could add important context. Although if this is part of a collection where the disease is mentioned earlier, then that wouldn't be necessary. It's always nice when you can make something beautiful out of a bad situation. …